we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
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Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Big Sex has us all fooled
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.