My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
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Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?