There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*