That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.