[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
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Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.