adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I bet birds love this building.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning