Software Development ⛵️
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RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
With this onion ring, I thee fed
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.