It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
the greatest twitter interaction
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.