Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
#SuperBowl