Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
this is the news I live for
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.