[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals