My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
You Might Also Like
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.