ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Yes
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.