Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Going into Monday like
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]