HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Me buying fruit and veg
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
me hooking up with my ex