I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
A roof is a house hat.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.