[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?