Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.