Alexa: *deep breath*
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I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”