In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
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Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
*3.5 thank you very much.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
hi why am I like this
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Mmmm canned fish.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)