Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*