Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)