Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov