Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
New tinder profile pic
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My wedding will be open casket.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.