Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
How about daylight saves us for once
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
We’re all getting idioter.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!