so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Isn’t
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.