nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack