“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Put the is in disheveled
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough