Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Mornin. * use accordingly
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.