Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
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I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
im 7 sauces long
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]