My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
You Might Also Like
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My background check bounced.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”