Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
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Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones