Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I am HOWLING at this
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad