Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.