All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.