I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
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Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
what’s more important?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”