Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread