Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
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My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
oh u like geography? name every lake
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
not seeing the problem
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*