Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
You Might Also Like
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Based Erika
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard