Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
You Might Also Like
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.