Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Where is your GOD now????
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.