I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
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me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.