Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.