I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
You Might Also Like
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.