Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Hard not to take this personally
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.