I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
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“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”