“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.