[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
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When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.