Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
#Caturday
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.