I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“What movie?” 🤔
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb